Friday, May 6, 2011

Ain't Found a Way to Kill Me Yet

Tonight, you’ll find me huddled over a desk, drink in hand, forcing the words to come despite myself. I’ve trudged through a lot of bullshit this week, and though it got better toward the end, it doesn’t change the fact that my life is irreparably fluctuating. Right now it’s for the worse, but the coming weeks will show if I am the type that perseveres.

So, self-confidence destroyed, morale shaken, and my former life entering the halls of memory, I will keep typing. I’m not always sure what brings me back to the keyboard when life is harsh, but I often feel that I have no choice. If I am using it as some sort of escapism, this is probably not the healthiest thing considering I write horror.

More likely it is that this is the only aspiration I have true control over. I can toil over my imaginings, add and subtract to my heart’s content. I am master over these stories, rather than the surf I feel I am in life. Now, let’s not get too melodramatic. I have a good job. Probably have a good job, tax revenues might decide otherwise. In this world though, I am restricted, bound by etiquette and obligations. In my writing, I can work and succeed, or at least work and get better. I can craft books which may be my livelihood, or I can watch reruns of Deadliest Warrior until I become a bitter and ragged old man.

I’m not sure that writing is an option anymore. Not a waking hour goes by that I am not thinking on a new story, or wanting to add to my other projects. Sometimes I falter under the magnitude of my work in progress, or waste my free time on less worthy endeavors, but I’m still here, hacking away. I’ll rebuild that confidence with each passage, and drive toward that ultimate goal of a publishable book. Toward the dream of a career that doesn’t require pants and is fueled by bacon and moderately priced whiskey. Something tells me my focus is a bit off on those last two sentences, but hey, it’s my dream.

Now, I pose the question. What is your solution to busted confidence? Do you power through it or do you just roll with it?

1 comment:

  1. I gave up on several occasions, but always got pulled back in.

    Computer games are the death of my writing. I get sucked into World of Warcraft, or Diablo, or EVE Online and I escape into those worlds instead of escaping into my writings.


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