Thursday, September 1, 2011

Tony Southcotte: An Obituary


Okay, so in case my surgery today goes very wrong, I want you all to make sure this gets published in all local and national papers, as well as put into various archives as deemed necessary.

Tony Southcotte, a Fort Collins resident and bacon connoisseur, passed away this week. The cause of death is unknown, but it most certainly wasn’t quiet, and involved several cultists in black robes. Generic obituaries will be published for the robed men when they can be identified. Flamethrowers tend to make identification difficult, especially when manufactured by members of the Southcotte Clan.

Perhaps most famous for being the first known time traveler, Tony became well known and loved for punching L. Ron Hubbard in the wiener during one of his televised brain washing sessions Scientology meetings. It is yet unknown why he did not use this ability to save humanity from various wars, but his antics were many and great. Many absurd events, such as the giving sainthood to John Elway, who probably isn’t even catholic, have been attributed to him, but this could not be confirmed.

He will be remembered for being the first author other than God to sell over one billion books. Some say his books are better received.

Services will be held on the north end zone of Mile High Stadium, and cash donations are graciously accepted by the funeral procession strippers, Candy, Mandy, Sandy, and Qwerty, who may or may not be a robot.

His second to last words were that he loved you all, and will see you in another time and place. That time and death is merely an illusion, and our existence and experiences only have meaning when the ebb and flow of life brings our souls closer to others.. His last words were "Welp, this shit isn't going to write itself."

3 comments:

  1. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

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  2. Thanks Matt. Looks like it is going to be. already feel much better than the last surgery I had.

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  3. I dig this. God forbid when you pass away of old age, im sending this to the Coloradoan. The north end zone of mile high hahaha

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